it is one of those moment when everyone is asleep and silence is all around. i guess it had been quite a while since i felt so awake in the middle of the night. the silence around is really something i had long awaited for. Moments when i can just listen to my own breathing, my own heartbeat and the "ta-ta-ta" of me hitting the keyboard. the mind is fresh, the body is weary yet willing to keep going. it just set me in a right mood to sort things right.

the end of the 4th wk of this last yr is fast approaching to an end. the fear is creeping in faster than normal. the fear of failure. the inability to accept the fact that time is running out. deep down inside i know i am fighting a losing battle. the chance of reaching the min. target is almost impossible though i am willing to continue battling on.

with that, the fear of stepping into the working world is also creeping in. Can i find a job? Can i find one which i like? i just think it is not impossible but somehow the ambitious side of me know that whatever job i get will never satisfy the hunger of a better one though words that come out from my mouth is always to secure a stable career.

i gave up the chance to step back in. i know once i give it up, i should not look back. as such, i decided to forget cleanly everything that once stayed in my memory so strongly. give it up and don't regret. i know this time round i had make a good decision.

i really felt hopeless this time round. Looking around i see successful people. People with clear aim and objectives. here i am totally unclear of what my future is, where my future lies. i envy friends who had cleared and meet their target in their CAP. easier life i got to say for them while i am still struggling on and fighting what seems like a losing battle. gone is the confidence to take it to another level, gone too is the motivation to stay focus and continue the battle.

all around me, i have known several outstanding people. vincent with second upper, xy with a first, and xh with a second upper as well. guess it had been all these high calibre people around me that push me to greater heights over the years. however i think when i see that i am failing miserably in achieving anything close to their standards, it make me doubt my capabilities once more.

everyone got strengths and weaknesses. And it is best to understand own's strength and weakness to work around them. i guess i have lots of weaknesses. and the greatest weakness is that i have yet to know what and where my strengths lie in.

i guess it is just another post where i am so confused with what i want, and what i should do. Perhaps the tireness is creeping in without me knowing.