it's 1 wk after exam. meaning 1 wk of holiday had past.
i am supposed to sleep now since it is like 1am, but i just cannot sleep.
i got nthing to do at all cos i had finished my reader digest, sick of playing my games, no more nice soccer matches or movies for me to watch, no books to read as i didn't borrow any.
so i guess i just stay here and write whatever is in my mind and maybe it will end up being wordy, lengthy and also senseless since i am not going to check through the flow of it.

So i shall begin now.
1)we had not argue for a long time but whenever i do, i always feel i should give in considering she is my mum afterall. however, ever since i know of something, i just feel too weak to fight back. Perhaps i think i should not even fight back since i am not supposed to be around in the first place. Sometimes i wonder will there be me if she is around? or in fact, i guess i am not even supposed to be born if she was being kept. I still remember granny's word before she passed on," no matter what, i have to protect her."
all along i thought it was a son's duty so nothing special about it. But now i do understand its meaning extremely well. i still remember the time when xy said she is like my elder sis in front of mum. She give the look that seems to say," yar, good good, got one da jie jie to look after him."
now recalling back, if she was around, she will be xy's age. and really, it only make me wonder how good will she be to her younger brother. or will she be like any other demanding elder sister? but once again, i know i was born cos she was not, which is why granny's words always stayed on in my mind. and with extra meaning to it now.

2) i guess when july come, i will be asked this question by her. so since i am in the mood, i might as well write it. Using 'going exchange' is just an excuse, though i seriously wanted to go exchange but it was not even in my initial plan. it was after the decision not to join that i decide to go for one. i guess when i know of ppl whom i don't like is involved and ppl whom i know i will end up having clashes with is involved, I decided not to join. Reason is simple, i won't clash with ppl obviously, but why make myself suffer in silence and see things i don't like. the best of cos is not to see it at all. Actually the people i don't like did no wrong, it is just that i don't like it. So the problem lies with me and not the people.
Though i decided not to go, i guess, i do feel a bit sianz about it which was the initial reason why i don't even want to listen to anything about it. But time had change, and like what i told someone about it, maybe i should have stop being egoistic and joined it. But being ego, i don't want to go back on my words/decision. Just pray when the week comes, i will be so occupied that i don't even know it is ongoing.

3) 'the 8 ways to happiness' that i saw in kino got this as one of the ways: being forgiving. i think though i had acted like i am crazily happy or not bothered by certain stuff, i am just living in denial. i think the day i truly find happiness is the day i forgive the 2 person. 1 whom i had hated for so long that i don't remember the last time i talk to. the other i just avoid at all cost unless necessary. to say i want to forgive them is easy, but i think at the end of the day i just can't do it. remembered this from the legend of condor show," 要有爱才会有恨" is this true? i don't know at all.

4) 2 person who know each other so well and to just give up such a close relationship is really a waste. seeing each other thoughts in the respective blogs make me wonder why is it so difficult for us to just let it go and resume the friendship that used to be so wonderful. We should just turn back time to 10 years back and resume from there, forgetting whatever had happened in between. i doubt that will happened unless miracle do happened. Especially after what i had said.
如果时间能回到从前，我们是否还会做出那个选择。

5) i think sometimes i take things for granted when it is there. And when it is taken away from me, i just feel so bad and dejected. i really wish certain things can go on forever but so far, everything had just been like always. they are just there for that certain stage of life. Pri chalet pics, Sec sch year book, Dare pics, army pics, uni pics. and i really missed those pri sch pals cos we are not contacting each other now. Really wonder what would had happened if i didn't did badly for the PSLE and continue with them in the same sec sch. Happier? or i will end up going separate ways also. so now, which ever is remaining in my sec sch, dare, army and uni. i shall cherish it and not let it go to waste.
珍惜所有的一切，而不是失去了才后悔。

i guess i shall end here. as i can finally see the sheep running in my eyes asking me to count them. Bleaaaa! Bleaaaa!! Bleaaaa!!!