Responsibility under the definition in dictionary.com is the state of responsible.
So what is responsible?
it is answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management.

somehow or rather, i really wish i am in control in everything. call it power hunger if you like. but when i want to be in control of things, it is not because of wanting to command or order ppl. it is to have the ability to account for everything. To be responsible for everything.

seriously, i felt happier in army than now. then, i am in control of a plt. i got to answer to my head. things were supposedly to be tougher as there are time when it is matter of life and death especially when it come to HG. you won't know which idiot is going to commit sucide with u standing beside him with a grenade in his hand.
at least, then, i know if there is anything wrong, i am answerable to them. And any mistake i can easily say it is my fault.

Now, i find it hard. there are times when i feel things were not going right. However, when i voice out and somehow the final decision go against mine, i seriously just wish i keep myself quiet. Worse is when the things i said had turn out to be right only to be too late. Who to be responsible? still me perhaps. Afterall i should had forced it through. Only this case, i feel it hard to accept that kind of responsibility.

Mum asked how's sch. I ended up saying everything that i am unhappy about. though she didn't give any good advice, i still feel much better. It must be the ability to just thrash out everything. Sometimes, i don't need good advice, i just need a pair of listening ears. Friends might be there to listen but it is hard to say especially when they are common friends. I just don't want them to be the middle person. Who know the one i am talking about might be complaining about me too? which is why i rather choose to remain quiet in recent times. the only person i could had talk to other than mum was xy or xh, but one is too busy while the other had some prob with me now.

term break is ending. super fast. i really felt i had not do anything. it just kind of anger me further when ppl gave excuses to skip something and yet the things they do are not as much as i had.

just a short updates!
tue- 9 bus trips altogether. to get the stuff for project.
wed- another trip to sch supposedly to study but somehow i lost the mood to do it especially after dismantling the project stuff. tuition.
thur- my only day at home for the wk. studied as much as i can. at least now i know i left one mod which i had not touch while i had completed 2 other mods for the term test. Sent jen off at the Airport.

Time is short. And with the workload increasing, i find that i still managed to squeeze out time to study. When time seems to be lacking, my ability to squeeze time out increases. At least now i make full use of the time to travel to study. *a little pat to myself*

i shall be anti social from now on! till the day i find my way out of the mess.
i am broke officially. Throughout my yrs of having a bank account, i never see my bank account having only a single digit. Today i saw it. Disappointed with my handling of finance! time to save!

i guess i shall stop torturing myself. first i hurt my back, now i hurt my neck and my running shoes had "open mouth cos it is hungry". perhaps, $200 is what i should just take and go. Is the additional $200 worth all the trouble? i guess not.
Such a lack of determination and discipline!!

tml will be a better day. till then! :(