the day started with a msg that piss me off. I felt so angry when i first sawi it. It's like questions had been asked and in the end, it was asked for nothing.

Result's out. Am i supposed to be Happy? A perfect B. No more "Door guardian". No more Cats. the result pulled up my cap as i set out to do.but still i am sad. I failed to get an A once again and yet i thought it might be a change this time round but still, the A didn't come to me. 3102, perhaps it is not meant to be! Jin said it's suay, XY said i'm suay. but i don't think so. I still think i don't deserve it which is why i didn't get it :(
i shall go pray as i said after the last paper. I got better than expected despite having a go at it only 3 days before the paper.

BBQ in the evening. i am so glad that it is over. i totally have no mood for it and to try enjoying something that i don't make it worst. And to top it off, i lost my ez card. Now i got to paid to make a new one. it had left me devastated since the loss. I had NOT lost a single stuff in my whole damn life and now the record is tarnished!
Perhaps it is the shock that the guys keep disturbing me on. RATS! seriously i see nothing wrong with being afraid of it? overreacted? to people it seems so, but i doubt it. Not when you are bitted by one before, Not when you open your eyes and see one so close to you that you can smell the stench of it.
Everyone got fear. i can try to hide my fear but definitely not when it come to this.

I snapped today not that i wanted to but somehow it came. i just don't get it. why make it sound like i am not bothered abt the trip. i have all along stated that just book and count me in. the least i want is to worry too much abt a trip. however, thinking back, it's wrong for my doing. i was just asked for my opinion in case i have other thinking. but still i don't find it right to discuss while walking. And i cannot possibly stick to one grp when i am talking to another.

i am getting more and more forgetful. i got another BBQ which i agreed to attend wks before this but i have forgotten about it cleanly. i called and said i might dropped by but in the end, i still didn't show face. Now i am known to PS them once more. Worst, they think i 'zhong se qing you'. Mei Mei called to ask if i am going, when i replied i don't think so, i can hear saddness in the "ok lor". Maybe i should not have promised her too early.
he tell me something which i thought is a joke. i check back with mei mei and she confirmed it. Now i am left totally speechless. One more grp for me to avoid?

i am not 'zhong se qing you'. i hate it when ppl said it and especially i am not out with her. i guess some had alrdy realise something is not right and despite toking to XY abt it, i am still feeling vexed. the feeling seems wrong now. Seriously, at time i think i put in more effort but it might be down to my own thinking only. almost half a yr, yet the time we spent is countable with a single hand. i understand if it is during term, but hols too? maybe i am the one who need more attention despite all the saying i rather have freedom. Or maybe i am the one who need security? But whatever it is, i am not going to give up as yet. Not when i am deep into it. Or i should have listen to sop, Don't put in 100% 感情. i laughed at her as i think she was joking.
perhaps she is right after all!

there is still time, lots of it. take it slowly. that is all i can say and do. i am going to listen to others' advice one more time. Be more understanding.

i don't wish to be saying this to you but i just feel it is necessary. Don't 'xing zai le huo'. i know XY did tell you what i told her and it might even be you 2 sisters' topic now. trust me, if you piss me off further, you will suffer what he did to you 10 times worst.

my mood is Frustration, anger, vexed, agitated and demoralised.

i had completed it. it is not well done. things i plan and hope to see never materialised. it goes the same way for my studies too. Maybe i am having higher expectation. but that shall be the standard i am expecting from myself. after 2 sems in the wilderness, i had regain sight of my previous self. if i maintain my low standards, i will feel screwed, feel bad. and i never want it.
i want to regain not just the ambitious self but also the successful one. the happy days and glory days of sec sch. Hitting single pointer.
i know i can do it as i have done it before. which is why i shall not drop but instead increase my expectation.

from the start it is alrdy a wrong decision to organise it. think i just want to 'gei kian'. but i am totally unhappy abt the end result. And worst thing is the comment i happened to overheard. some people just shoot off without noticing ppl around and all i can say is i wish i can close my ears and pretend to hear nothing. It's ok. as decided before, it shall be my last and i shall be selective in attending outing now.

i think i should treat everyone the same. Not to be close to anyone or ppl always said i bully them. XY did mention before, i always "bully" ppl whom i am close to. and it might cause these ppl to be fed up. For example: wil2. he always get scolded for things by me but i know he understand i don't mean it.
haiz, shall stop it. i thought ppl might understand but i am wrong so i shall not do it anymore.



Emo? yar, i am. Happy that i said it?

"I want to say it’s okay to be so afraid every single minute of your life; it’s okay to not know what you want; it’s okay to take all of this on faith, plain faith; it’s okay to dream in broad daylight; it’s okay to want something so much your bones ache in desperation; it’s okay to love someone more than you love yourself; it’s okay to keep saying it’s okay until you actually believe it."